Last night I did something that I have been simultaneously wanting to and not wanting to do for several months. I told someone who I care a great deal about, just how much I care.
It wasn't done the way I planned it, actually, I had been working very hard at not telling at all. Not that it was any great secret; when it comes to me and feelings; well, let's jut say my feelings are generally bloody obvious even to the most oblivious observer.
I found it harder to say than I expected, it wasn't meant to be hard. It had been easy enough to say all the times I had said it in my head; easy enough to put into a haiku;
Silent Affection:
My heart cries out “I love you”;It wasn't done the way I planned it, actually, I had been working very hard at not telling at all. Not that it was any great secret; when it comes to me and feelings; well, let's jut say my feelings are generally bloody obvious even to the most oblivious observer.
I found it harder to say than I expected, it wasn't meant to be hard. It had been easy enough to say all the times I had said it in my head; easy enough to put into a haiku;
Silent Affection:
My face merely smiles.
But to say it out loud, to dispel any doubt, to lay it all on the line and be completely honest; it was difficult. So difficult that, instead of three little words it came out as five: "I love you, I'm sorry".
But I am not sorry that I love him; I am happy that I love him, he deserves to be loved (and as he's reading this, he'd better not be rolling his eyes or scoffing). I only added the "I'm sorry" so that he might know that I said it, not to add pressure to him, but to relive the pressure I was feeling having it left unsaid. Selfish really, so for that I am sorry.
Before yesterday I held off saying it, well, more accurately, I stopped myself from saying it because I knew that I wouldn't hear the same three words in return. I don't mind not hearing them, but I fear he might mind not being able to say them. So for that reason, more than any other, I held off for as long as I could.
I choose to love him for the kindness he has shown me over the past few years. Without hesitation, he was there the day I had to euthanize my dog, he even went so far as to take the day off work and spend it with me in order to try and soften my loss. For that I will always be grateful, his kindness that day solidified my opinion of him - he is awesome (stop your eye-rolling, you). He makes me laugh, even on my most down days he can lighten my mood - I feel happier just knowing he's my friend. I know he cares about me and for that, I am grateful.
He enhances my life and for that, I love him.
He is one of a group of close friends that I care a great deal for, and I hope that I can always have people in my life who care for me and who I care for. These close friends have made an impact on me, shown me kindness that I can only hope one day I can repay.
They have dented my soul.
But to say it out loud, to dispel any doubt, to lay it all on the line and be completely honest; it was difficult. So difficult that, instead of three little words it came out as five: "I love you, I'm sorry".
But I am not sorry that I love him; I am happy that I love him, he deserves to be loved (and as he's reading this, he'd better not be rolling his eyes or scoffing). I only added the "I'm sorry" so that he might know that I said it, not to add pressure to him, but to relive the pressure I was feeling having it left unsaid. Selfish really, so for that I am sorry.
Before yesterday I held off saying it, well, more accurately, I stopped myself from saying it because I knew that I wouldn't hear the same three words in return. I don't mind not hearing them, but I fear he might mind not being able to say them. So for that reason, more than any other, I held off for as long as I could.
I choose to love him for the kindness he has shown me over the past few years. Without hesitation, he was there the day I had to euthanize my dog, he even went so far as to take the day off work and spend it with me in order to try and soften my loss. For that I will always be grateful, his kindness that day solidified my opinion of him - he is awesome (stop your eye-rolling, you). He makes me laugh, even on my most down days he can lighten my mood - I feel happier just knowing he's my friend. I know he cares about me and for that, I am grateful.
He enhances my life and for that, I love him.
He is one of a group of close friends that I care a great deal for, and I hope that I can always have people in my life who care for me and who I care for. These close friends have made an impact on me, shown me kindness that I can only hope one day I can repay.
They have dented my soul.
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