The Spring of My Discontent

I think I have finally reached my tipping point.

Rampant Apathy and Raging Discontent are vying to take centre stage in the theatre of my life.

I don't know who invited them to perform at the theatre, or why I let them in the door, but here they are and I must do my best to either boo them off the stage or hastily recast the production with Fun-loving Lightness and Fulfilled Exuberance; but I think I've lost their contact information

I know that RA and RD were attracted to my theatre by the feelings on the marquee: "Lonely" "Bored", "Disengaged", and "Unfulfilled". Signage that has been slowly put into place over the last few weeks.

RA and RD are here because I feel that I'm wasting my life and that the fun and joy that I do manage to feel is so small and fleeting that it hardly counts. I just feel there is something missing and I don't know what or how to find it.

Fittingly, I was sorting though a box of miscellaneous papers and came across this scribble that I can't remember when I wrote it but I thought it a rather apt expression about how I'm feeling these days:

There’s a void in my life. Something is missing that I can’t describe; a void that I can’t explain; an absence that casts a shadow across my mind; shading happiness and darkening ambition.

It frustrates me; the intangibility of it, the obscurity. I know that to define it would be to banish it; cast it out and liberate myself.

But its identity eludes me and nags on my mind; waking me early and keeping me up late. Occupying my thoughts; demanding to be heard and yet telling me nothing.

I suppose my solemn soliloquy is a bit melodramatic, maybe, but I think it does describe how I feel.

I'd love to chalk it up to PMS; or the poor weather (which is definitely a contributory factor, the latter, not the former); or a lack of sufficient exercise (for which the weather is also partially responsible); or too much gluten (definitely a contributing factor - my new toaster (Ted) is far too good at his job and I have toasted my way though an entire loaf of bread in about 3 days) but I think the problem still runs deeper than that. I'm frustrated with my life and don't want the life I'm living (and calling it "living" is a stretch, more like existing) but I don't know what I DO want from life therefore I don't know how to find it.

What do I have to do to get RA and RD yanked from the stage and how do I get in contact with FL and FE?

I think it's time my theatre got some new management!

I guess I need to slowly start changing the words on the marquee... "friendly", "fun", "caring", "capable", "amusing"... and dare I say "awesome".

To change the signage, I guess I also need to bring in a bigger audience to my theatre - I need to reach out to my friends and stop spending so much time in my head.

Maybe I need to start to volunteer somewhere, also a good way to get out of my head.

I need to not let the weather bring me down and get back into a regular fitness routine.

I need to tell Ted that we need to take a break for a while - I love him, but he's turning me into an addict (hmmm, fresh toast).

I think I would also benefit from a big hug and a kick in the ass; I'm just not sure what order I need them in.

And if anyone out there knows how I can get in touch with Fun-loving Lightness and Fulfilled Exuberance, let me know...