Leap of Faith

Tomorrow I am going to toss myself out of a plane.

Sorry that sounds a bit overly dramatic, and just to allay any fears - no, I am not suicidal.

Truthfully, tomorrow morning, securely strapped to someone I trust and who jumps from planes on a regular basis, I will jump from a plane for my first (and quite likely last) time. I don't imagine I will jump as much as I will stumble on wobbly legs out of the airplane, or if it comes to it, be forcibly removed from the airplane by the friend I shall be strapped to.

You see, though I do this by my own volition, I am completely, utterly and hopelessly terrified of falling from heights. Yet I want to jump tomorrow.

I have been telling everyone I know (and anyone else who'll listen) that I am gong to toss myself out of a plane tomorrow and it has been met with a mixed set of reactions. There are those like my friends C and J who think it is fantastic and are just a bit jealous that I am going and they are not. There are others, like my parents, who have reserved comment and who I imagine think I am nuts but see no point in pointing this fact out to me as I will probably just ignore them. And there are still others, like my friend S - whose blunt and succinct response was "Why the heck would you throw yourself out of a perfectly good airplane?!?"

Why indeed.

The closer the event gets, the more I ask myself that very question. Why?

The best answer I can give myself is that it is because it scares the crap out of me that I feel I have to do it. I only have to do it once, and really all I have to do is allow myself to exit a plane that is just a smidgeon off the ground. Ok, maybe a bit more than a smidgeon.

But this is something I have decided I HAVE to do, not simply because I have told virtually everybody I know that I intend to do it, but because it DOES scare the crap out of me.

Most of my life I have been ruled by fear, limiting myself to that which is safe, that which I know I won't get hurt doing. I don't try many new things, opting instead for the safe and familiar and I don't want to always settle for safe and familiar. I fear being excluded, so I opt to not join groups, I fear looking foolish, so I don't try new things.

I am tired of being ruled by fear.

Every time I think about tomorrow's adventure, I vacillate between excitement and fear; the fact that I wrote my first will ever this past week in no way reflects on how I think tomorrow will go - everyone should have a will, right?

Tomorrow I am going to jump out of a plane.

I don't imagine I will have an epiphany. That, as I hurtle toward the earth that my life will take on some new and greater focus. I expect that when I safely touch ground again my legs will be shaking uncontrollably and I'll be as giddy as a schoolgirl (but hopefully not as giggly). I hope too, that I won't need a change of underwear or a bag of throat lozenges to combat the sore throat brought on by the continual screaming that began shortly after exiting the airplane.

I DO hope I manage the experience with some level of dignity and decorum and that some day in the future, when the road ahead looks a bit scary, I can say - "Meh, I threw myself out of an airplane, how scary can this be!"