Wasted Time

“I need more time.”  I declared one day.
 
I was leaving for a short trip to Mexico but procrastinated for a week about certain things that needed doing and was therefore rather far behind in my pre-trip preparations.  Further evidenced by the fact that, only a mere three days before my trip, did it cross my mind to check to see if my Passport was valid – thankfully it was.

The phrase became my silent mantra as I listed off all the things I still had to accomplish before I left for my trip.

Then I thought of Beau.

Beau, my beloved dog, who has been dead for over two and a half years.

It wasn’t necessarily a thought out of the blue, as I had been getting my mini PC up to date and noticed that the picture of Beau that had been my background had mysteriously disappeared.  So naturally he was on my mind as I sought out and re-established his fluffy mug as my desktop picture.

Then the phrase returned to me - “I need more time”.

I had uttered those words, or something very similar during the last few weeks of Beau’s life.  As if pleading with the Universe to somehow reverse the passage of time that was leading, inevitably to Beau’s passing.

How many ways can these four words be interpreted?

Like a bad actor practicing a line in the mirror - changed the emphasis and changing the meaning - when the context changes, the meaning changes.

In a  truly banal fashion, I have no doubt dismissed a waiter or two with these four words hardly lifting my eyes from the menu.

I probably uttered similar words during a particularly tough exam, feeling for certain, that I would be able to complete and conquer the exam if only I had more time.

During races when I made the unfortunate mistake of checking my watch and spending the brain power to extrapolate my progress I, more often than not, would curse internally and realize there was not enough time left for me to complete the distance I needed to and finish the race under my (completely arbitrary) upper time limit.

Then during my working days, deadlines looming with too mush work left to complete the words are uttered again.  “I need more time.”

Or, as now, with the trip mere hours away, and a list of things to complete longer still – “I need more time.”

But none are so poignant or plaintive as when facing the loss of a loved one.

As a friend of mine pointed out this week - “There is never enough time.”

Time is something we seem to squander and spend freely and then moments later, lament the shortness of the time left.

I have been squandering a lot of time recently.  Getting complacent with time – there will always be another day to do “this”, to do “that”, to say “you matter to me” or “I love you”. 

But really, there is never enough time. 

I must learn to squander less and treasure more the moments and the people who matter most to me. 

I need to make the most of the time at hand because you never know when - “I need more time to get things  done” turns into “I need more time to live my life”.