Phoney Hope

I hate making phone calls [to strangers]. I would rather give a talk in front of a room full of strangers. I would rather have dental surgery without an anesthetic. I would rather...

It is an irrational dislike, I'll admit that. Still, I will put off making phone calls for as long as possible.

One call I had been putting off since late November. I needed to register my new treadmill.

Now, I really like my treadmill - and unlike some people who buy treadmills, C and I use ours, daily. I want to have my treadmill registered, I want it to be under warranty support, it matters to me. The only catch, was, since I don't live in the USA and the company is based in the USA, the online registration doesn't work for Canadian customers. So a phone call was required in order to register our new treadmill.

So I finally bit the bullet and called the 1-800 number - and waited and waited...


and waited and waited...


and waited and waited...


75 minutes later, I FINALLY got to talk to someone and said I wanted to register my treadmill. He asked me what State I was in. I said I’m calling from Canada, his response was "I will give you the number of a sales rep up there".

Um, no?

To which I replied, "I don’t want to BUY a treadmill I want to REGISTER the one I have recently bought."

"'Register'?" He asked as if it was a foreign word. [Was my Canadian accent throwing him off??]

"What to you mean?" he asked.

"You know," [how do I explain] "...for warranty purposes, so YOU know I own the thing?"

[I have to admit, the one nice thing about being on a phone at this point is I am happy that he can't see me rolling my eyes]

To which he said, “Oh. Ok. Hang on...” And off I went on hold again….

and waited and waited...

10 minutes later I was talking to a guy with the personality of a trout and the perceived energy of a slug.

[Sigh….]

After a few minutes on the phone with him I realized this guy was not hired for his personality, skill or speed.

I gave him my name, slowly, I gave him my name again, even MORE slowly. "Sorry", he said, between my first and second recitations of my name, "I can't write that fast."

[Write? Shouldn't you be typing this into a computer somewhere?]

"Do you have an account with us?" "No," I replied. "Can I have your postal code?" I gave him my postal code and waited....


and waited...


This was slowly turning into the MOST painful phone call I have ever had to endure!!!!

I was beginning to think his computer system must be run by crippled hamsters (in broken hamster wheels).

[Why do I feel like it is his first day on the job!?!]

I kept trying to stifle deep sighs while I roll my eyes and stop myself from saying; "Why is this taking so DAMN LONG!!!" At least I wasn't paying for the call, now over 90 minutes in duration...

[...and I wonder why I don't like making phone calls...]

"All right," he drawled, "I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a minute. I just gotta check on something..."

"Ok," I said, no bothering to ask what the problem is...I was almost afraid of the answer.

And once again, I was on hold...

It’s really too bad that the Treadmill Company doesn’t have more than three 30 second commercials. Variety would be welcome. I resisted the urge to either memorize or heckle the ads, though I feared I would have them running through my head for the remainder of the day.

[Sigh… I should have just stayed in bed today.]

"Al-right," he returned, sounding almost animated, "Can I git yurr address?" I give him my address, beginning to feel hopeful, but remembering to speak slowly.

My optimism was not rewarded.

Silence descended...

I could hear the occasional computer key tap and mouse click.

Deep sigh, from the other end of the phone line. [No kidding, that's what I've been trying NOT to do.]

“Aw, why is this not working?” he complains. [Good question, should you not know the answer?]

More sighing, more complaining... [His externally, mine internally]

"Ok, I'm having problems sittin' up yurr account. It don't work well for Canadian accounts." I resist the urge to mention that I can't do it Online either and that was why I was stuck talking to him in the first place and why, in this day and age of global shopping are US and Canadian customers treated differently?

"Okay...", I prompt.

"I'm gonna have to git the system guys to do something before I can complete the account." [Is that their technical designation?] "Can I git yurr phone number and I can call you back?"

My heart sinks a bit... "Well, actually, I'm calling from work and I don't know if you can call me at this number. Can I call you back?"

"Uh, ok, just call the 1-800 number and ask for Jawn." [It is probably spelled "John"]

Grumpily I asked him for a direct line because I had already spent 90 minutes on the phone trying to register the darn thing and I refused to be on hold again.

Armed with the CORRECT 1-800 number (the one I called first that morning, the one I sat on hold for over 75 minutes was apparently the WRONG 1-800 number) AND "Jawn's" extension, I hung up, my heart filled with trepidation.

One hour later...

He had suggested I call back in an hour and so I did. “Jawn” couldn’t get the treadmill swapped over to my name – again blaming it on the fact that I'm Canadian. [Yes, how dare I help the US economy by purchasing an American treadmill.] "It'll take the Systems Guys a couple of hours for them to fix it." [Do you have to go through this for EVERY Canadian customer?!?] "Could you call back later?"

"How much later?" I ask through clenched teeth.

"Call back at two-thurdee," Jawn replies. "And what time is it with you now?" I ask, trying to remain civil and once again being happy that he can't see my facial expressions.

"Twelve-thurdee." [Ok, two more hours.] "Ok, I'll call back..." [SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!]

[I am SOOOOO looking forward to that call.]

[Sigh.]

Two hours later...

TIME CHECK:

Having started this lovely task at the fresh & hopeful hour of 08:30hrs, been on hold and on the phone with TWO separate and yet equally unhelpful service reps for almost TWO hours, followed by an hour's hiatus waiting for "Jawn & the Systems Guys" to do their thing, only to discover at 11:30hrs that they need two more hours to do their thing. I have now had my two-hour hiatus and I am making yet one more call to the Treadmill Company Service Department. Throughout this ORDEAL BY PHONE I have been working, cursing and being glad that on one else was at work today and in earshot of my colourful venting.

I dial the number - it rings, the voicemail comes on: "Press 1 for.." I press 5, I press 5 again, (having learnt the last time that pressing 5 once was not enough). I type in Jawn's extension, it rings. He answers. I identify myself...

"I couldn't complete yurr registration, 'cause you didn't give me the date you bought yurr treadmill." [YOU NEVER ASKED FOR IT!!] I calmly gave him the date I bought it AND the date it was delivered.

"Al-rightee, yurr all done!" He almost sounded animated again. "So the treadmill is all registered now?" I ask cautiously."

"Yup." "Thanks"

"Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

[Can you give me the last five hours back? Can you take away the painful process I just had to endure? Can you restore my sanity?]

"No," I say. [You have done ENOUGH!]

... and you wonder why I hate making phone calls to strangers?!?