I have a friend who once described me as "Delightfully Moody" - which he probably doesn't remember and which I probably won’t forget.
To me, it seemed like such a wonderful thing to call me – it stuck me as a very accepting description – it was like saying to me – “Warts and all, I accept you: when you’re cross, when you’re crazy, when you’re fun, when you’re flamboyant, when you’re happy and even when you’re a hag – I still think you’re wonderful.”
I often think about how he described me that way and, in my darker times, I which he hadn’t had to. It reminds me of Blue October’s Song “Ugly Side” – the chorus of which goes “I only want you to see my favourite part of me and not my ugly side”.
I know I blog, seeming at nausea, about my grumpy nature and my oft-times moody disposition - almost monthly, it seems – but this blog isn’t about my moody blues as much as it is about my lack of acceptance of my own Ugly Side.
I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts and just wanting to have a good cry. C was over so I was trying not to be all dark and moody because, I don’t really like showing my ugly side (if I can help it) – that being the rub – I find it rather hard not to show it. So, though I tried not to – the trigger question was asked: “Are you ok?” and the water-works commenced. The really annoying thing is I don’t completely know why I’m a complete emotional basket case today.
There are a couple of things bugging me. Things I’ve failed to follow through on that make me feel like a failure today – and I guess that’s the problem, instead of forgiving myself for my shortcomings today – I label myself a failure and spend the rest of the day trying to avoid thinking about how much I’ve disappointed myself and how annoyed I am with myself for being so disappointed with me.
Ok, I’m writing this and I AM finding it hard to follow. But I think that’s the point.
If there were two people involved, it would be easier to reconcile. If a friend annoys me or disappoints me I either forgive them or I tell them how I feel and we talk it out and move on. I can’t do that with myself. I can’t talk it out with myself and I rarely forgive my own bad behaviour. I dwell on it and mentally beat myself up over it.
Why is it I am more forgiving of my friends than I am of myself? Why do I hold myself to some perceived “higher standard”? Obviously it doesn’t provide me any benefit. If I follow the motto “Do unto others…” why can’t I extend it to myself. If don’t accept other people belittling me and putting me down, why do I do it to myself?
The problem is I have certain self-rules cemented in my brain:
1. If I skip workouts for no good reason, I am a failure at fitness.
2. If I eat junk at any point in time for any reason, I am a failure at health.
3. If I have breakdowns or blowups in front of others, I am a failure at emotional heath.
Though I know these rules to be harsh and unreasonable, I still subscribe to them and may the universe have mercy when I break them, because I won’t have any. I have them because I want to be a better person; I want to be fitter, healthier and less “Delightfully Moody” and I don’t know a better way to do it than to establish rules and try not to break them.
Again, another blog I have no profound answers to.
I know the trite answer is; be more forgiving of myself, cut myself some slack. But I find trite answers are rarely helpful.
Ultimately, I know I have to rewrite my rules and find a better way to lessen my Ugly Side. Unfortunately, I’m just not sure quite how.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thank You Idiot-Head
About five years ago I dated a guy who, once I kicked him to the curb, became un-lovingly known as Idiot-Head. The name was, in part, due to the fact that he shared the same first name as someone I rather fancied at the time but for the most part was due to the fact that, as unflattering (and possibly un-nice) as the name is, it is rather apt.
When I first met him, I thought he was interesting, amusing and different. We started dating and about a month or two into the relationship I began to see some character flaws, which I chose to overlook (as one often does during the first blush of a relationship).
He claimed to hate my mattress and the size of my bed and wouldn’t spend the night (suggested I buy a new queen-sized bed so that he could be more comfortable). He had champagne tastes and a beer budget but still bought the champagne (as it were). Once, feeling sorry for him, and overly generous (or foolish, if you will), I lent him money (half of which I gave up harassing him for about 3 years after lending it to him and well after I had kicked him to the curb).
At the time we were dating, I had recently lost about 30 pounds and was rather proud of my slimmer self and the hard work I had put into getting it. He, being a self-professed personal trainer (I say self-professed because he had no real clients and wasn’t making money being a personal trainer, so I have to call a spade a spade and classify him as a wanna-be), began taking credit for my weight loss and touting me as a triathlete (again, since I don’t make my living doing triathlons I am NOT a triathlete).
I once showed him a picture of me when I was at my heaviest and his response was “If I had known you then I never would have dated you”. Ah, yes, his true colours were starting to come to light.
He then began to make suggestions of what I could change about my life and/or my personality that would make me a better person.
He implied – well actually he out-and-out told me - that I was a flawed individual and that a long-term committed relationship with anyone wouldn’t likely be able to happen for me in my current state of being. I would likely be alone for the rest of my life unless I corrected my flaws.
I let him convince me this was true; I spent money trying to lose more weight, become a happier individual, become a better person, become the un-flawed human that someone could love and all the time being grateful for his attentions (such as they were).
At some point, I don’t know exactly when, I began to him more clearly. I began to find his constant quoting of other people’s empty platitudes tiresome and made me begin to think he had no real ideas of his own. I found it harder and harder to accept and justify his harsh judgement and contempt he had for others. He seemed to only be content when he was tearing other people down.
He would constantly talk about his “Executive Fitness Package” and how it was going to revolutionize the world of personal training and he’d make millions and then train other trainers in his technique and retire a wealthy individual; but made no real effort to make it come true (and given his price-point on his “Package” I could think of no one in their right mind who would pay for it). He was a dreamer with no drive; a delusional visionary.
He showed his true colours when I moved apartments; asking for his help and the help of two other male friends of mine. He showed up late, did as little as humanly possible and before we were finished announced that he had to go home and shower because he was too tired and dirty to do any more work. I was so embarrassed my other friends G and M had been sweating up a storm (not a pretty picture) and doing the lion’s share of the work and Idiot-Head had the audacity to claim fatigue!
The veil had lifted and I saw Idiot Head as the vapid walking facade of a human being that I had allowed to convince me that I should be thankful that he was in my life. Now I just needed the strength to rid myself of him.
After a particularly fun and productive weekend with my sister, I decided enough was enough, he wasn’t helpful, supportive, or particularly useful so I ended things with him.
Though this may seem like a rage against Idiot-Head – it’s not meant to be. I am just describing the man, as I see him. Someone has recently told me that Idiot-Head is more deserving of my pity than my contempt; and I do pity him.
I am sorry Idiot-Head that you have never been able to make a living doing what you feel your passion is. I am sorry that, as you near fifty, you are still searching for some permanency in your life. I am sorry, too, that your circle of “friends” contains nothing more than casual acquaintances and business contacts. I'm sorry that you feel the need to tear other people down, (are you so insecure in your own life that you need to find fault in others?).
Finally, I would like to thank you, Idiot-Head, for making me realize several things about my self and my life:
I have many friends of varying levels of intimacy; some of which I need to honour more than I currently do by making sure they know I value them.
I recognise the value of having BOTH Dreams AND the Aspirations to attempt to make the dreams reality.
I have flaws, as everyone does, but I am NOT unlovable and I am actively working towards being a happier & healthier me, FOR ME and not for anyone else.
Most of all, I realize that I would rather be Alone and risk the pain and fear of Absolute Loneliness than waste one minute of my life in a relationship with someone who would actively tear me down and disguise it as caring.
So, thank-you Idiot-Head, I have learned a lot and I am a stronger and better person for having met you.
When I first met him, I thought he was interesting, amusing and different. We started dating and about a month or two into the relationship I began to see some character flaws, which I chose to overlook (as one often does during the first blush of a relationship).
He claimed to hate my mattress and the size of my bed and wouldn’t spend the night (suggested I buy a new queen-sized bed so that he could be more comfortable). He had champagne tastes and a beer budget but still bought the champagne (as it were). Once, feeling sorry for him, and overly generous (or foolish, if you will), I lent him money (half of which I gave up harassing him for about 3 years after lending it to him and well after I had kicked him to the curb).
At the time we were dating, I had recently lost about 30 pounds and was rather proud of my slimmer self and the hard work I had put into getting it. He, being a self-professed personal trainer (I say self-professed because he had no real clients and wasn’t making money being a personal trainer, so I have to call a spade a spade and classify him as a wanna-be), began taking credit for my weight loss and touting me as a triathlete (again, since I don’t make my living doing triathlons I am NOT a triathlete).
I once showed him a picture of me when I was at my heaviest and his response was “If I had known you then I never would have dated you”. Ah, yes, his true colours were starting to come to light.
He then began to make suggestions of what I could change about my life and/or my personality that would make me a better person.
He implied – well actually he out-and-out told me - that I was a flawed individual and that a long-term committed relationship with anyone wouldn’t likely be able to happen for me in my current state of being. I would likely be alone for the rest of my life unless I corrected my flaws.
I let him convince me this was true; I spent money trying to lose more weight, become a happier individual, become a better person, become the un-flawed human that someone could love and all the time being grateful for his attentions (such as they were).
At some point, I don’t know exactly when, I began to him more clearly. I began to find his constant quoting of other people’s empty platitudes tiresome and made me begin to think he had no real ideas of his own. I found it harder and harder to accept and justify his harsh judgement and contempt he had for others. He seemed to only be content when he was tearing other people down.
He would constantly talk about his “Executive Fitness Package” and how it was going to revolutionize the world of personal training and he’d make millions and then train other trainers in his technique and retire a wealthy individual; but made no real effort to make it come true (and given his price-point on his “Package” I could think of no one in their right mind who would pay for it). He was a dreamer with no drive; a delusional visionary.
He showed his true colours when I moved apartments; asking for his help and the help of two other male friends of mine. He showed up late, did as little as humanly possible and before we were finished announced that he had to go home and shower because he was too tired and dirty to do any more work. I was so embarrassed my other friends G and M had been sweating up a storm (not a pretty picture) and doing the lion’s share of the work and Idiot-Head had the audacity to claim fatigue!
The veil had lifted and I saw Idiot Head as the vapid walking facade of a human being that I had allowed to convince me that I should be thankful that he was in my life. Now I just needed the strength to rid myself of him.
After a particularly fun and productive weekend with my sister, I decided enough was enough, he wasn’t helpful, supportive, or particularly useful so I ended things with him.
Though this may seem like a rage against Idiot-Head – it’s not meant to be. I am just describing the man, as I see him. Someone has recently told me that Idiot-Head is more deserving of my pity than my contempt; and I do pity him.
I am sorry Idiot-Head that you have never been able to make a living doing what you feel your passion is. I am sorry that, as you near fifty, you are still searching for some permanency in your life. I am sorry, too, that your circle of “friends” contains nothing more than casual acquaintances and business contacts. I'm sorry that you feel the need to tear other people down, (are you so insecure in your own life that you need to find fault in others?).
Finally, I would like to thank you, Idiot-Head, for making me realize several things about my self and my life:
I have many friends of varying levels of intimacy; some of which I need to honour more than I currently do by making sure they know I value them.
I recognise the value of having BOTH Dreams AND the Aspirations to attempt to make the dreams reality.
I have flaws, as everyone does, but I am NOT unlovable and I am actively working towards being a happier & healthier me, FOR ME and not for anyone else.
Most of all, I realize that I would rather be Alone and risk the pain and fear of Absolute Loneliness than waste one minute of my life in a relationship with someone who would actively tear me down and disguise it as caring.
So, thank-you Idiot-Head, I have learned a lot and I am a stronger and better person for having met you.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I Will Remember
I will remember, in my own way
I will take some time today
I will think of those who have gone
The nameless who sacrificed so we could go on.
I will pause to give thanks in my own quite way
I will think of those now fighting so far away.
I will think of the fallen and what they have given
For the country they loved and the peace that we live in.
I have been bless with not knowing the horrors of war
I live in peace and have strangers to thank for
All they have done and continue to do
That's why I take time today to remember you.
I will take some time today
I will think of those who have gone
The nameless who sacrificed so we could go on.
I will pause to give thanks in my own quite way
I will think of those now fighting so far away.
I will think of the fallen and what they have given
For the country they loved and the peace that we live in.
I have been bless with not knowing the horrors of war
I live in peace and have strangers to thank for
All they have done and continue to do
That's why I take time today to remember you.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Imbalance
There is something inherently beautiful about symmetry. Research has proven that people find symmetrical faces more attractive than non-symmetrical ones.
The beauty of symmetry is probably why I find reflections pretty; the nature of the ground and above mirrored in the water below.
Quite possibly, by extension, balance also contains an inherent beauty. Nature, for the most part, attempts to create equilibrium; balance.
Balance is something that is actively sought by people too; we want out check books to balance, we want a work-life balance, we need a balanced diet, we want gender equality, a balance between good and evil… Ultimately, we want things to be fair – balanced.
Personally, I find great comfort in balance. It sets a rhythm, sets a pace, and keeps things running smoothly; so it’s when things get out of balance that I get unhappy.
Imbalance in my life can take many forms and have many repercussions.
One of my most common imbalances is the food - exercise imbalance – too much food and not enough exercise, my weight goes up and my mood goes down. This is one imbalance I have been actively working to re-establish. For the past 3 weeks I have been doing a detox in an effort to loose some weight, regain some energy and ultimately, increase the frequency and intensity of my exercise regimen.
My weight is down a bit, clothes are fitting better and balance is slowly being restored. I am working at establishing this balance and so far, I seem to be winning the battle.
One other balance battle that I struggle with quite frequently is one that is harder to solve because I'm not sure it's all in my power to re-balance. It is the balance between my wanting to spend time with my friends and the amount of time they have available to spend with me.
Currently, I have a fair amount of free time; time that I would like to spend with my closest friends, unfortunately, they aren't as available. So I struggle with my desire and disappointment.
I honestly don't know what the solution is. Often, when I blog, I either have already worked out the answer to what ever dilemma I am blogging about or, in the act of blogging, some form of inspiration presents itself and I can build on it. But I have found no such enlightenment today.
I know a partial solution would be to become busier myself, but then I run the risk of being busy when they are free and thereby still preventing my being able to spend time with them.
Maybe I need somehow decrease my desire to spend time with my friends, lessen the longing to spend time with my favourite people. But in a way, that doesn't seem fair either.
Maybe I need a hobby I can fall back on. I can try to make plans with my friends and when they are busy and not able to accommodate me, I could turn to my hobby to help fill the void.
Maybe I need to ask more often - "Can we hang out?"
I don't know what the answer is, but I guess I will keep searching for the balance I really need to find.
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein
The beauty of symmetry is probably why I find reflections pretty; the nature of the ground and above mirrored in the water below.
Quite possibly, by extension, balance also contains an inherent beauty. Nature, for the most part, attempts to create equilibrium; balance.
Balance is something that is actively sought by people too; we want out check books to balance, we want a work-life balance, we need a balanced diet, we want gender equality, a balance between good and evil… Ultimately, we want things to be fair – balanced.
Personally, I find great comfort in balance. It sets a rhythm, sets a pace, and keeps things running smoothly; so it’s when things get out of balance that I get unhappy.
Imbalance in my life can take many forms and have many repercussions.
One of my most common imbalances is the food - exercise imbalance – too much food and not enough exercise, my weight goes up and my mood goes down. This is one imbalance I have been actively working to re-establish. For the past 3 weeks I have been doing a detox in an effort to loose some weight, regain some energy and ultimately, increase the frequency and intensity of my exercise regimen.
My weight is down a bit, clothes are fitting better and balance is slowly being restored. I am working at establishing this balance and so far, I seem to be winning the battle.
One other balance battle that I struggle with quite frequently is one that is harder to solve because I'm not sure it's all in my power to re-balance. It is the balance between my wanting to spend time with my friends and the amount of time they have available to spend with me.
Currently, I have a fair amount of free time; time that I would like to spend with my closest friends, unfortunately, they aren't as available. So I struggle with my desire and disappointment.
I honestly don't know what the solution is. Often, when I blog, I either have already worked out the answer to what ever dilemma I am blogging about or, in the act of blogging, some form of inspiration presents itself and I can build on it. But I have found no such enlightenment today.
I know a partial solution would be to become busier myself, but then I run the risk of being busy when they are free and thereby still preventing my being able to spend time with them.
Maybe I need somehow decrease my desire to spend time with my friends, lessen the longing to spend time with my favourite people. But in a way, that doesn't seem fair either.
Maybe I need a hobby I can fall back on. I can try to make plans with my friends and when they are busy and not able to accommodate me, I could turn to my hobby to help fill the void.
Maybe I need to ask more often - "Can we hang out?"
I don't know what the answer is, but I guess I will keep searching for the balance I really need to find.
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein
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