Thank You Idiot-Head

About five years ago I dated a guy who, once I kicked him to the curb, became un-lovingly known as Idiot-Head. The name was, in part, due to the fact that he shared the same first name as someone I rather fancied at the time but for the most part was due to the fact that, as unflattering (and possibly un-nice) as the name is, it is rather apt.

When I first met him, I thought he was interesting, amusing and different. We started dating and about a month or two into the relationship I began to see some character flaws, which I chose to overlook (as one often does during the first blush of a relationship).

He claimed to hate my mattress and the size of my bed and wouldn’t spend the night (suggested I buy a new queen-sized bed so that he could be more comfortable). He had champagne tastes and a beer budget but still bought the champagne (as it were). Once, feeling sorry for him, and overly generous (or foolish, if you will), I lent him money (half of which I gave up harassing him for about 3 years after lending it to him and well after I had kicked him to the curb).

At the time we were dating, I had recently lost about 30 pounds and was rather proud of my slimmer self and the hard work I had put into getting it. He, being a self-professed personal trainer (I say self-professed because he had no real clients and wasn’t making money being a personal trainer, so I have to call a spade a spade and classify him as a wanna-be), began taking credit for my weight loss and touting me as a triathlete (again, since I don’t make my living doing triathlons I am NOT a triathlete).

I once showed him a picture of me when I was at my heaviest and his response was “If I had known you then I never would have dated you”. Ah, yes, his true colours were starting to come to light.

He then began to make suggestions of what I could change about my life and/or my personality that would make me a better person.

He implied – well actually he out-and-out told me - that I was a flawed individual and that a long-term committed relationship with anyone wouldn’t likely be able to happen for me in my current state of being. I would likely be alone for the rest of my life unless I corrected my flaws.

I let him convince me this was true; I spent money trying to lose more weight, become a happier individual, become a better person, become the un-flawed human that someone could love and all the time being grateful for his attentions (such as they were).

At some point, I don’t know exactly when, I began to him more clearly. I began to find his constant quoting of other people’s empty platitudes tiresome and made me begin to think he had no real ideas of his own. I found it harder and harder to accept and justify his harsh judgement and contempt he had for others. He seemed to only be content when he was tearing other people down.

He would constantly talk about his “Executive Fitness Package” and how it was going to revolutionize the world of personal training and he’d make millions and then train other trainers in his technique and retire a wealthy individual; but made no real effort to make it come true (and given his price-point on his “Package” I could think of no one in their right mind who would pay for it). He was a dreamer with no drive; a delusional visionary.

He showed his true colours when I moved apartments; asking for his help and the help of two other male friends of mine. He showed up late, did as little as humanly possible and before we were finished announced that he had to go home and shower because he was too tired and dirty to do any more work. I was so embarrassed my other friends G and M had been sweating up a storm (not a pretty picture) and doing the lion’s share of the work and Idiot-Head had the audacity to claim fatigue!

The veil had lifted and I saw Idiot Head as the vapid walking facade of a human being that I had allowed to convince me that I should be thankful that he was in my life. Now I just needed the strength to rid myself of him.

After a particularly fun and productive weekend with my sister, I decided enough was enough, he wasn’t helpful, supportive, or particularly useful so I ended things with him.

Though this may seem like a rage against Idiot-Head – it’s not meant to be. I am just describing the man, as I see him. Someone has recently told me that Idiot-Head is more deserving of my pity than my contempt; and I do pity him.

I am sorry Idiot-Head that you have never been able to make a living doing what you feel your passion is. I am sorry that, as you near fifty, you are still searching for some permanency in your life. I am sorry, too, that your circle of “friends” contains nothing more than casual acquaintances and business contacts. I'm sorry that you feel the need to tear other people down, (are you so insecure in your own life that you need to find fault in others?).

Finally, I would like to thank you, Idiot-Head, for making me realize several things about my self and my life:

I have many friends of varying levels of intimacy; some of which I need to honour more than I currently do by making sure they know I value them.

I recognise the value of having BOTH Dreams AND the Aspirations to attempt to make the dreams reality.

I have flaws, as everyone does, but I am NOT unlovable and I am actively working towards being a happier & healthier me, FOR ME and not for anyone else.

Most of all, I realize that I would rather be Alone and risk the pain and fear of Absolute Loneliness than waste one minute of my life in a relationship with someone who would actively tear me down and disguise it as caring.

So, thank-you Idiot-Head, I have learned a lot and I am a stronger and better person for having met you.