Ugly Side

I have a friend who once described me as "Delightfully Moody" - which he probably doesn't remember and which I probably won’t forget.

To me, it seemed like such a wonderful thing to call me – it stuck me as a very accepting description – it was like saying to me – “Warts and all, I accept you: when you’re cross, when you’re crazy, when you’re fun, when you’re flamboyant, when you’re happy and even when you’re a hag – I still think you’re wonderful.”

I often think about how he described me that way and, in my darker times, I which he hadn’t had to. It reminds me of Blue October’s Song “Ugly Side” – the chorus of which goes “I only want you to see my favourite part of me and not my ugly side”.

I know I blog, seeming at nausea, about my grumpy nature and my oft-times moody disposition - almost monthly, it seems – but this blog isn’t about my moody blues as much as it is about my lack of acceptance of my own Ugly Side.

I woke up this morning feeling out of sorts and just wanting to have a good cry. C was over so I was trying not to be all dark and moody because, I don’t really like showing my ugly side (if I can help it) – that being the rub – I find it rather hard not to show it. So, though I tried not to – the trigger question was asked: “Are you ok?” and the water-works commenced. The really annoying thing is I don’t completely know why I’m a complete emotional basket case today.

There are a couple of things bugging me. Things I’ve failed to follow through on that make me feel like a failure today – and I guess that’s the problem, instead of forgiving myself for my shortcomings today – I label myself a failure and spend the rest of the day trying to avoid thinking about how much I’ve disappointed myself and how annoyed I am with myself for being so disappointed with me.

Ok, I’m writing this and I AM finding it hard to follow. But I think that’s the point.

If there were two people involved, it would be easier to reconcile. If a friend annoys me or disappoints me I either forgive them or I tell them how I feel and we talk it out and move on. I can’t do that with myself. I can’t talk it out with myself and I rarely forgive my own bad behaviour. I dwell on it and mentally beat myself up over it.

Why is it I am more forgiving of my friends than I am of myself? Why do I hold myself to some perceived “higher standard”? Obviously it doesn’t provide me any benefit. If I follow the motto “Do unto others…” why can’t I extend it to myself. If don’t accept other people belittling me and putting me down, why do I do it to myself?

The problem is I have certain self-rules cemented in my brain:
1. If I skip workouts for no good reason, I am a failure at fitness.
2. If I eat junk at any point in time for any reason, I am a failure at health.
3. If I have breakdowns or blowups in front of others, I am a failure at emotional heath.

Though I know these rules to be harsh and unreasonable, I still subscribe to them and may the universe have mercy when I break them, because I won’t have any. I have them because I want to be a better person; I want to be fitter, healthier and less “Delightfully Moody” and I don’t know a better way to do it than to establish rules and try not to break them.

Again, another blog I have no profound answers to.

I know the trite answer is; be more forgiving of myself, cut myself some slack. But I find trite answers are rarely helpful.

Ultimately, I know I have to rewrite my rules and find a better way to lessen my Ugly Side. Unfortunately, I’m just not sure quite how.