Schadenfreude's Sister

I don’t know if there is a word or phrase to describe profiting from another person’s misfortune, maybe I’ll just have to coin my own phrase – Schadenfreude's Sister, if you will.

Named or unnamed – I feel like I’m doing just that.

I have a friend, who shall remain both initial-less and gender-less in this blog for the purpose of anonymity. This Individual – ok, for the sake of my sanity, I will call them Ti; since I can predict that writing “This individual” over and over again would get rather tedious in fairly short order. Ok, so, Ti is going though a major life upheaval and is feeling in need of company and support – and I am so there for them.

I am willing to do practically anything; if Ti needs a shoulder to cry on, I’m there. Someone to vent to, I’m there. Someone to laugh at – I’ll attempt to stand on my head and yodel – though Ti might find that more embarrassing and frightening than funny. If Ti wants some company for a hour, an evening, a day, I’m there. If Ti wants to go camping, I’ll go out and buy the gear (I’ll even bring rope, just in case). If Ti needs an odd-jobs person, well then I’ll offer C’s assistance.

All joking aside, the bottom line is; if Ti needs me to be there, I will do my absolute best to be there for them.

Given the nature of Ti’s misfortune (which will also remain nameless for the sake of Ti’s anonymity & privacy), I imagine Ti is feeling very much alone and so I have also taken it upon myself to find things for us to do together; things I’ve always wanted to do with someone, but I’ve never plucked up the courage, or more accurately put in the effort, to ask.

Ti and I, like most people here on Planet Earth, have reasonably busy lives, and I, like most others, I am sure, sometimes neglect to make an effort to make time for other people. I justify my inaction by saying “They’re probably busy anyway”, “They’re probably not interested”, “They probably want some alone time”, “They live so far away”, “I shouldn’t bother them” and so I don’t call, I don’t email and I don’t set aside time to spend with them.

I am not doing that with Ti, but I’m afraid that I am going too far in the other direction. I am beginning to feel that I am trying to profit from Ti’s misfortune. Or that I’m being supportive in order to get “The Good Samaritan Glow” that comes with doing a good deed. Or that I’m trying to leverage Ti’s misfortune as a means of becoming a closer friend.

I’m wrestling with this right now.

I know, at some level that I am not so narcissistic (heck I can hardly spell it with out assistance) that I would only lend assistance because I get something out of it – but my discomfort comes from the fact that I am getting something out of it – I feel needed. I like feeling needed.

I also like making Ti feel better – heck I wish I could turn back time to make Ti feel better (I would willing do it anonymously, no need for thanks, I just want Ti to feel better). This is why I struggle with my guilt, because I am helping Ti, but I am feeling better for being able to be there for them.

I have always counted Ti among my close friends and I have always wished that we could do more things together but we never have. So now that we have the opportunity to do more together, why do I feel bad?

Maybe because it took such a major upheaval in Ti’s life for me to realize that I needed to make more of an effort to be a friend.

I’ve always claimed to be a good friend, but I’m not so sure that I’m as good a friend as I could be. Talk is cheap, it’s time to do more than just provide a little lip service.

Maybe my guilt comes as much from feeling like a lazy friend as it does from feeling glad to be of some assistance to someone for a change. Heck, how many times as Ti had to put up with my blubbering and whining?

It’s my turn to be the strong stable friend!

...hmm, ok, if not "strong and stable" maybe I could apply for the position of "comic relief".

I am really looking forward to spending more time with Ti, I only wish it hadn’t taken such sad circumstances to encourage me to make an effort.

And, Ti, if you read this, fear not - my gymnastic days are far, far behind me and I've never been able to yodel.

...but if it WOULD make you laugh - I'd darn well give it a try!