Damage Done

I think the damage is already done. I think it's probably too late, the die has been cast and there is little (or nothing) I can do to change it.

Recently I spent a fun Saturday afternoon with a friend of mine, wandering around in a trendy part of town browsing through an assortment of knick-knack shops and junk shops. In one of these shops we came across a display of humourous t-shirts and S and I began reading shirt slogans out to each other. One of the shirts depicted a daily weather forecast, three symbols and descriptions under each symbol. The first said something about waking up grumpy, the second was something like “annoyed with the risk of angry outbursts” and the third was something like “Chance of more of the same tomorrow”. I chuckled and said I liked it S agreed and said something along the lines of; it suited me.

That’s when it hit me – that IS how people think of me – as a grouchy and angry person. That’s what I will be remembered for – heck, that’s what I AM remembered for.

That fact, or possibly more accurately - that perceived reality, leaves me feeling rather depressed. Depressed because it is NOT the way I want to be remembered.

I don’t want to be remembered that way because I don’t think it’s accurate, I don’t think it is the real me.

I will concede that I DO wear my heart on my sleeve and as a result it is always clear how I feel about things. Maybe that’s a bad thing, I don’t know.

I will also admit that I have displayed my annoyance and frustration in public and I agree that a mature (theoretically) adult should not throw temper tantrums like an over-tired ten-year-old child but there you are, sometimes emotions get the better of me. The problem is, though my emotions are fleeting the impressions they leave are not.

When I was a teenager, I came across a bumper sticker (or some such thing) that had the following slogan on it: “When I do right, no one remembers; when I do wrong, no one forgets.” The fact that I liked it I chalked up to the fact that I was a typical angst-ridden teenager who felt like no one understood her.

Unfortunately, I am now at an ever-increasing distance from being a teenager and yet I still can’t help thinking there is a grain of truth to the saying.

People remember my temper and not my tenderness.

I have cried bucket-loads of tears upon hearing of the death of a good friend’s pet cat.

I have driven a friend to another city an hour away because she needed me to.

I have worried about good friends when they have been going through hard times in their marriages.

I have sat up all night with a friend who needed a shoulder to cry on and who just really didn’t want to be alone that night. We sat up all night and talked and hugged and then went out for breakfast and got on with the things we needed to do.

I have (in my humble opini0n) a really big heart and a lot of love for my friends and yet I’m not remembered for being fiercely loyal – just for being fierce.

I’m like a hedgehog; I appear a bit prickly and if stressed I only show my prickly side. But really, I’m rather soft and, like a hedgehog, I will eagerly eat foods that are high in fat and sugar – though I don’t think that’s relevant.

I know that throwing temper tantrums at my age is not socially acceptable and I am working at curbing that. But I think, too, that I am too sensitive when it comes to jokes about my ferocity.

I am a no-nonsense person. I don’t suffer fools gladly and I have rather high standards, all qualities that, for the most part, serve me well and are, in my opinion, good qualities to have.

So maybe I don’t need others to forgive me my outbursts as much as I need to forgive myself. Maybe I should, as someone suggested, go buy the humourous t-shirt and wear it with pride. I can poke fun at myself; I know my own shortcomings and am better off for the knowledge.